Welcome to "Holland"

Sorry it took so long for an update. I have been very busy taking care of a friend’ horses while she is away recently and have been going through writing the test for the Census 2011 supervisory position and going to the interview for that I did in the end withdraw my application, though it still sounded like a fun job.

I also have accepted a completely different job taking my friend’s dad’s place while he is away for surgery. It is a government position as a casual (they get me for 90 day) clerk. It will be early mornings I don’t know how I am going to manage getting up at 5am but hopefully I will adjust faster then I have to later times in the past. It will be an interesting job and will be just long enough to see if I like this type of thing.  

I have also been running around doing all sorts of other errands and going to other appointments as well.

Welcome to Holland

http://www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html

I got this sent to me about a week ago and it really hit home. I guess I never really realized until recently that I was in “Holland” and that I have been stuck here for a long time. I guess I have been stuck in my own fantasy world while in “Holland.”  This brings up a giant problem.

 All of the dreams I want at least at the moment as far as I can tell seem to be suck in “Italy.” I also seem to see “Italy” as representing normal or what is normal; something that I will never have and never be. This really really breaks my heart. There aren’t many days especially the rough days where all I want is to be normal. To have a normal brain that doesn’t wander that doesn’t swirl ideas that doesn’t not stop chatter away making it hard to sleep as it tries to keep track of the zillion ideas I have in my head at once never actually grasping a hold and holing on tight to any one of them.

While I know it isn’t 100% true I see many friends seemingly happy, having relatively easily reached goals I want or have reached but they can hold on them while I only get them for a little while before having to take steps backwards again. I sometimes feel like a huge failure. I can’t even manage to keep this beautiful house I love under control or organized inside and out.  

Chores are so difficult to get motivated to do and get done and jobs are hard to figure out because it is unmotivating and I just don’t know what I will like. I also worry about having enough time with the job and the other stuff I have to do at home to get any time to myself.  This is one of the few reasons why it takes me so long to read books.

Sometimes I just can’t stand my life with all its confusion and indecision and disorganization. Am I supposed to do things the way the world wants them? I don’t even really like society it is poorly run and has many bad ideas in general. Is it wrong to sometimes just want out of my own brain, my own mind?

 Anyway in general I am just feeling very very confused about many things at the moment. I think it is going to take a bit of time before I realize the good things about “Holland” and accept them and learn to hopefully like them. It is going to take even longer for me to let go of the dreams that are stuck in “Italy.”

This is all I have for now as I seem to have forgotten some of what I thought up as to what I was going to say earlier. I will hopefully try and post more frequently again.

PS in real life I have actually been to Italy (the real one) Venice to be exact it is very nice and has beautiful architecture and masks and glass. I highly recommend it as a place for anyone to see while on a vacation.